I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
