You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
