He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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