lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
