i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Randomize
