a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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