Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
