If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
