the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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