I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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