she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
