Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
