My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
