dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
