she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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