I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
