if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
