you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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