I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
