dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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