There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
