She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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