Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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