Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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