the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
