sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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