Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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