he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
