she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
