Im at strip club and am horny
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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