What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
