Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
