Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
