Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
