If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
