WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
