shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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