We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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