If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
