Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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