he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
