Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
