He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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