i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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