Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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