someone threw a dead crab at me
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
