Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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