I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
