you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
