i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
