You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
